獄中で嫉妬心に悩まされる being tormented by jealousy

【 バートランド・ラッセル(Bertrand Russell)の言葉 r366-c112】

(ラッセル注:後になって,私は,次のようなことをはっきり理解した。即ち,私が強い感情を抱いたのは,単に嫉妬からだけではなく --私がコレットとの間に存在していると感じていたような,非常に深くまじめな関係の場合にはよくあるように-- 協力関係がこわされたという意識(思い)と同時に, --その数年間にきわめて頻繁にまたいろいろな形で起こったことであるが--,聖域が冒涜されたという意識(思い)からであった。)

There was only one thing that made me mind being in prison, and that was connected with Colette. Exactly a year after I had fallen in love with her, she fell in love with someone else, though she did not wish it to make any difference in her relations with me. I, however, was bitterly jealous.
* Later I recognised the fact that my feeling sprang not only from jealousy, but also, as is often the case in so deeply serious a relationship as I felt ours to be, from a sense both of collaboration broken and, as happened so often and in so many ways during these years, of the sanctuary defiled.
I had the worst opinion of him, not wholly without reason. We had violent quarrels, and things were never again quite the same between us. While I was in prison, I was tormented by jealousy the whole time, and driven wild by the sense of impotence. I did not think myself justified in feeling jealousy, which I regarded as an abominable emotion, but none the less it consumed me. When I first had occasion to feel it, it kept me awake almost the whole of every night for a fortnight, and at the end I only got sleep by getting a doctor to prescribe sleeping-draughts. I recognise now that the emotion was wholly foolish, and that Colette’s feeling for me was sufficiently serious to persist through any number of minor affairs. But I suspect that the philosophical attitude which I am now able to maintain in such matters is due less to philosophy than to physiological decay. The fact was, of course, that she was very young, and could not live continually in the atmosphere of high seriousness in which I lived in those days. But although I know this now, I allowed jealousy to lead me to denounce her with great violence, with the natural result that her feelings towards me were considerably chilled. We remained
lovers until 1920, but we never recaptured the perfection of the first year.
出典: The Autobiography of Bertrand Russell, v.2 chap. 1: The First War, 1968]
詳細情報: http://russell-j.com/beginner/AB21-310.HTM#r366-c112