自分の場合を語る私が唱道したい人生哲学・世界観への最良の導入は,多分自伝を少し語ることにあるだろう。私は,幸福のもとに生まれなかった。(松下注:4歳までにラッセルの両親は死亡)子供のころ,私のお気に入りの賛美歌は,「この世に倦(う)み,罪を背負いて」(♪関連サイト1 ♪2)であった。5歳のとき私は,もし70歳まで生きるとすればまだ生涯の14分の1耐え忍んだにすぎない,ということを繰り返し考え,この先続く長い退屈は,ほとんど耐えがたいものに思われた。思春期には私は人生を憎み,たえず自殺寸前の状態にいたが,もっと数学について知りたいという欲求から,なんとか自殺を思いとどまった。今では,反対に,私は人生をエンジョイしている。年々年をとるにつれて,ますます人生をエンジョイしている,と言ってもよいくらいである。これは,一部は,自分がいちばん望んでいるものが何であるかを発見し,これらのものの多くを徐々に手に入れたことによる。また一部は,望んでいるもののいくつかを,(たとえば)何かに関する疑いえない知識の獲得というようなことを,本質的に獲得不可能なものとして上手に退けてしまったことによる。しかし,大部分は,自分自身にだんだんとらわれなくなったことによるものである。 ピューリタン主義の教育を受けた他の人たちと同様,私も,自分の罪,愚かさ,短所について思いをめぐらす習慣があった。私自身にとって,私は--疑いなく,まさにそのとおりだが--自分自身にとっても,あわれな人間の見本のように思われた。
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Now, on the contrary, I enjoy life; I might almost say that with every year that passes I enjoy it more. This is due partly to having discovered what were the things that I most desired and having gradually acquired many of these things. Partly it is due to having successfully dismissed certain objects of desire - such as the acquisition of indubitable knowledge about something or other - as essentially unattainable. But very largely it is due to a diminishing preoccupation with myself. Like others who had a Puritan education, I had the habit of meditating on my sins, follies, and shortcomings. I seemed to myself - no doubt justly - a miserable specimen. Gradually I learned to be indifferent to myself and my deficiencies; I came to centre my attention increasingly upon external objects: the state of the world, various branches of knowledge, individuals for whom I felt affection. External interests, it is true, bring each its own possibility of pain: the world may be plunged in war, knowledge in some direction may be hard to achieve, friends may die. But pains of these kinds do not destroy the essential quality of life, as do those that spring from disgust with self. And every external interest inspires some activity which, so long as the interest remains alive, is a complete preventive of ennui. Interest in oneself, on the contrary, leads to no activity of a progressive kind. It may lead to the keeping of a diary, to getting psycho-analysed, or perhaps to becoming a monk. But the monk will not be happy until the routine of the monastery has made him forget his own soul. The happiness which he attributes to religion he could have obtained from becoming a crossing-sweeper, provided he were compelled to remain one. External discipline is the only road to happiness for those unfortunates whose self-absorption is too profound to be cured in any other way. |