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(本館) (トップ) (分館)
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バートランド・ラッセル 自伝 第２巻第３章
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(第２巻第３章 中国（承前）
もう死なないということを感じながらベットに横たわっていることは,驚くほど愉快なことであった。その時まで私は,自分は根本においては悲観的な人間であり,生きていることに大きな価値をおいていない,と常に想っていた。しかしそのように考えることは完全な間違いであり,人生は無限に甘美なものだということを,私は発見した。 北京では雨はまれにしか降らないが,回復期間中,大雨が降り,それが湿った大地の快い香りを窓を通して運んできた。そうして,もし二度とこの香りをかぐことがなかったとしたら,何と恐ろしいことだったろう,と私はよく思った。私は,太陽の光にも,また風の音にも,これと同様の感情を抱いた。私の病室の窓のちょうど外側に,何本かの非常に美しい'アカシアの木'が立っており,私が良くなって鑑賞できるようになったその最初の時に,いっせいに開花した。その時以来私は,生きていることは楽しいということを心の底からわかるようになった。大部分の人々には,疑いもなくいつもそのことがわかっているのに,私にはわからなかったのである。 私は後に,中国人たちが私を西湖の畔に埋葬しそこに私を記念して聖堂（廟）を建てようと話していた,ということを聞かされた。そうならなかったことは少し残念な気がした。というのは,私は神として祭られたかも知れないからである。もしそうなったら,無神論者として実に'粋'なことであっただろうと思う。 その当時北京に,ソヴィエトの外交使節団が来ていたが,彼らはとても親切だった。北京での唯一の良質のシャンペンを持っていて,それを気前よく,私に提供してくれた。シャンペンが,肺炎患者にとって飲んでさしつかえない唯一のものであった。彼らは,北京の近郊のドライヴに,初めドーラを,後にドーラと私をよく誘ってくれた。それは楽しみではあったが少しはらはらさせられた。というのは,彼らの運転は,革命に対してと同様,大胆なものであったからである。 肺炎球菌を殺した血清を提供してくれた北京のロックフェラー研究所は,私の生命の恩人といってもよいだろう。それ以前においてもそれ以後においても,私は政治的に研究所の人たちに強く反対の立場をとっていたし（松下注：北京のロックフェラー研究所が細菌兵器につながる細菌の研究をやったいたので非難していたということであろうか？）,彼らはちょうど私の看護婦が思っていたと同じように私に対して非常な恐れをいだいていたが故に,この点で,よりいっそう彼らに感謝の念を抱いている。 |
v.2,chap.3: China All through the time of my convalescence, in spite of weakness and great physical discomfort, I was exceedingly happy. Dora was very devoted, and her devotion made me forget everything unpleasant. At an early stage of my convalescence Dora discovered that she was pregnant, and this was a source of immense happiness to us both. Ever since the moment when I walked on Richmond Green with Alys, the desire for children had been growing stronger and stronger within me, until at last it had become a consuming passion. When I discovered that I was not only to survive myself, but to have a child, I became completely indifferent to the circumstances of convalescence, although, during convalescence, I had a whole series of minor diseases. The main trouble had been double pneumonia, but in addition to that I had heart disease, kidney disease, dysentery, and phlebitis. None of these, however, prevented me from feeling perfectly happy, and in spite of all gloomy prognostications, no ill effects whatever remained after my recovery. Lying in my bed feeling that I was not going to die was surprisingly delightful. I had always imagined until then that I was fundamentally pessimistic and did not greatly value being alive. I discovered that in this I had been completely mistaken, and that life was infinitely sweet to me. Rain in Peking is rare, but during my convalescence there came heavy rains bringing the delicious smell of damp earth through the windows, and I used to think how dreadful it would have been to have never smelt that smell again. I had the same feelihg about the light of the sun, and the sound of the wind. Just outside my windows were some very beautiful acacia trees, which came into blossom at the first moment when I was well enough to enjoy them. I have known ever since that at bottom I am glad to be alive. Most people, no doubt, always know this, but I did not. I was told that the Chinese said that they would bury me by the Western Lake and build a shrine to my memory. I have some slight regret that this did not happen, as I might have become a god; which would have been very chic for an atheist. There was in Peking at that time a Soviet diplomatic mission, whose members showed great kindness. They had the only good champagne in Peking, and supplied it liberally for my use, champagne being apparently the only proper beverage for pneumonia patients. They used to take first Dora, and later Dora and me, for motor drives in the neighbourhood of Peking. This was a pleasure, but a somewhat exciting one, as they were as bold in driving as they were in revolutions. I probably owe my life to the Rockefeller Institute in Peking which provided a serum that killed the pneumococci. I owe them the more gratitude on this point, as both before and after I was strongly opposed to them politically, and they regarded me with as much horror as was felt by my nurse. |
